Sari Jarvinen, age 18, FINLAND
The misunderstanding of one's attempt of communication is simply explained; Words twist the thoughts and the truths. It is so damn hard to tell anything to anyone though there is so much you want to say. I'm a writer and a poet, but for the first time in a very, very long time, I write about myself. Isn't that the most frustrating thought to know you are a writer but you can't even write about yourself?
So much can fit into one life. It's strange how people remember best the sad things than the happy things. Why is that? Is it because we should learn from them also? I learned, perhaps too roughly. I do not think what I am - I already know it; my life taught me that. And what I learned returned me into that state of mind when I was born. Why did I escape myself?
The Law of Murph proves itself too often. I'm not even going to try to share my bad experiences, nor the good ones, but few things I will tell you; I have seen Death more than many others. Concretely I have lost my grandfathers and grandmothers and my mother and my dog who was brutally murdered, my other animals, my familiars. But that's not the only thing I mean by seeing I have seen Death. I see Death all the time; in trees, in strangers, in buildings, in society, in communities, in the whole darn universe. I see it, I feel it, I taste it, I need it. I love it. Destruction and pain are the gates to heaven; No true happiness and joy is felt unless you have experienced true pain. No good without bad.
I'm old! So old. Seems I've lived at least hundred lives, if not more.
Actually I believe my soul existed many thousands years before Christ. I do not only believe it. I feel it. I'm old, but not fading away. I will keep on living a thousand lives more. It is meant to. I have a mission here. Where are the other old souls I need here?
Don't think of me as one of those horror romantics. My love for death is not deep or dark. I love death as much as I love Life. I love the state between them and I love the beginning of each of them. I love everything in them - on Earth - in the Universe. I love white and black and everything between them. I love you and I love me and I love those who cannot see (oh, how sweet ;).. ). I can be cheerful and clever, or depressed and anxious, but I always see how beautiful is that leaf of that pink flower behind the rock.
So what's wrong? I know I see love more than others; I feel it is relaxation, self-knowledge, wisdom, harmony and understanding. I see beauty more than others. What would the world be without it? And oh, did you notice? - There is Beauty everywhere! In the dark streets, in pain, in innocence, in motherhood, in music, in the eyes of living creatures. Beauty is acknowledging your Love - yourself.
So, what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong! I can't share it with anyone!
No one sees it, feels it or knows it. I can't share this beauty and love I live for with anyone because no one understands me. Ignorance is the only true evil left in this corrupted world. "O', how ignorant and blind 'r' thou who cannot even touch true immortality??" So I feel sometimes. As you can see in my proud behavior, I haven't mastered my state of Wisdom yet. I understand people when I want to, I feel for them (in fact, I can feel even physical problems in real, not to even mention about the emotions of others I life for them unless I create a brrier to protect myself), I cry for them, but yet I feel superior; 'I'm the saviour of the world!', 'I'm the only one who sees the truth!'.. Yeah, right. I know I'm not alone in this, there is plenty of others who share this same intelligence and seed of wisdom. But I just want to find them.
I hated mathematics at school but I am good at them. I am talented in everything, so did they say. Every IQ test I took told me that I'm very highly above average. I got to know my IQ, I got to show my talents to people.. I got scholarships and every teacher had to admit that 'oh man, you have a very unique child'. I was proud (I still am), I posed and tried to show my intelligence to those students that picked me on year after year. Heh..I only made a fool of myself.
My mother was not a mother a child needs. Biologically yes, but she was never there. I don't blame her. She was sick - insane, say the others. She had been a drug addict, and alcoholic and had several heart diseases and other things that weakened her. My dear ol' daddy took her to mental hospital where she spent the rest of her years until she finally got free. Why didn't I cry? I am not unemotional, not at all. My empathy is beyond the normal. I had seen her death in a dream two weeks before. I had always seen her pain when she was in that terrible hospital; how she missed us, was emotionally and physically fading away. It hurts to remember her pain. I knew what would be best for her - death. I love her, I miss her, and oh how happy and joyful I was for her when I heard she was dead! I still cry today after her.. I really, really miss her. But in my heart I feel her happiness. (She used to visit me in spirit form after her death..) There has never been more beautiful soul than hers.
All the occultism and religions I have studied the past few years have opened the gate to myself. There is no more religions to me. I'm a mystic and I run my own religion only I can be part of. There is no thing that would surprise me anymore. Yet this world irritates me; I hate pretence, I hate the state of this society, I hate capitalism, greed, jealousy, hatred, fear that doesn't belong to everyday lives.. We should win those rather than feed from them. I want to defend also those who are discriminated and alone no matter how wrong they did to the society. This world lacks true empathy. I understand - we understand- also those who commit murders, felonies, even terrorist attacks! I am proud, I am strong, I am here to change the world with the rest of my like. No psychologist can judge me, no matter how much I liked them; I am not insane, disturbed, mentally sick. I'm a result of evolution, as the rest of us! =)
Do not get frustrated with me at school; I just hate to listen such useless talk, why should I push myself to concentrate is it's no use for me? Nah, what a hell. Let's move on. Let's evolve. I already know these things, I don't want you to tell me them again like you would tell a child how to state your name. I have an old soul. Come and tell me everything you want, I will help, I will understand. I will sacrifice my life for you - what was your name again?--
Others see me hypocricy world saviour. Well, they do not know how does it feel to know the pain inside everything. To know, to really know, that I would die for anyone. --I see you. I see what is in your mind. I know how it works. I know how your reactions, your dreams, your fears, your feelings. I know when you lie and I know when I do. I have to; if I would say '"no, you are lying!", how would I prove I'm right? "I just know" isn't enough to you. So I shut my mouth and deep inside I know you're faking but still I play your game 'til the end.--
We have a mission to do. Humans evolve. We are the result of the most recent evolution. And as the times go by, we also will evolve into higher beings, that are united to all living in this universe. Who obey their nature no matter what it was. This is a mere chapter in the beginning of the book of man. The difference between animal beings and human beings is that animals are, when we can BE - we can change the world.
-Sari Jarvinen (who cannot help herself involving in revolutionary and activistic groups though preaches about accepting the situations) =)
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