My name is Pam. I've been doing some learning about giftedness and this group was suggested. I'm an artist/singer/songwriter. I'm very blocked right now with my music. I grew up in severely abusive homes but always came out of them pretty well. I've always been able to see and understand things that seem to elude others. I never understood this. Things that to me were completely obvious, and I think they were but they needed for people not to be in denial to face. I guess that's actually something that is quite rare, not to be in denial. I was a very aware child and actually saved my mother's life because of this. She was a valuum addict, well, drug addict, she did more than just one kind of drug. Anyway, when I was 7 she overdosed on her boyfriend's Librium (a drug used to help alcoholics stop drinking). It's a long story but the short of it was that she used to run away all the time and my dad would go and bring her home. One of these times when he was suppose to bring her home I ran downstairs in the morning, to my total disappointment, she wasn't there. When I asked my father, he told me she was in the car. I went to the car and she was asleep in the back seat. I made him bring her in (see, obvious thing to do but didn't occur to anyone until I said something, me the 7 year old). Over the next few days she got worse. Her speech became very slurred, she was sleeping all the time. I had a little brother and sister (ages 3+4). When I would walk around the house I was picking up pills that she was dropping so that my younger siblings wouldn't think they were candy and eat them. No one else seemed to notice them. Everyday I would tell me father that my mother really needed to go to the hospital because there was something wrong with her. i was ignored. One day she was really bad. There was a groups of people (my father and others, adults and older teens) standing around my mother contemplating what to do. I couldn't believe that they couldn't figure it out. I said," Take her to the hospital", they ignored me, again, but louder, "Take her to the hospital", got one or two looks, even louder, "TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL" , this time my father looked but looked away, then I finally broke down, screamed "TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" then ran upstairs crying. My older sister came up five minutes later and told me that they were taking her to the hospital, that it was alright. If they didn't take her at that time, she would have died. Believe it or not, that is the short version.
I've lived my life with this type of awareness, never thinking it was unusual. I can always see the truth. I tried to do the denial thing, I end up having nightmares, it doesn't work for me. I've grown up and always seem to be around people who don't like the truth so what eventually happened was that I started doubting myself. I thought, surely I can't be right when everyone around me is telling me I'm wrong about things. I was always told that I need to listen to others, that I am too stubborn, a know it all etc... I'm sure you've all heard this kind of thing also. So as I got older, I started to cave in and not listen to myself. Because of this I've gotten myself into a lot of bad relationships and situations. I feel I've wasted a lot of time. I have always felt that I went through what I have in my life for a reason. I feel I have to make a difference and that I'm suppose to be doing this with my art and music. But I seem to be always getting in my own way. I doubt myself all the time. I'm working to stop this because I'm hurting myself and am going no where. I have this inner drive that will not rest. I feel more and more driven it seems.
I'm also having a hard time accepting myself and my "gifts". The art and music...ok...but the other things that come with this are difficult for me to believe in. I tend to be able to feel others feelings. I take on their energy. It's really hard for me to not take it personally. It gets very overwhelming at times and part of me doesn't want to believe that I do this. I guess it's called being an Empath. I avoid the malls around Christmas time because there is so much anger there that with in 15 minutes I feel like screaming and climbing the walls. Luckily I'm an artist and can make things for people . Psychic ability runs in my family I've found out rather recently. I have it but it scares me so I stuff it most of the time. That's a hard thing for me to accept. I'm afraid to talk to many about it because I'm afraid they will think I'm nuts. I was talking to my aunt (she's known to have telekinesis, haven't seen it but have been told about it) and she was telling me that her and my grandmother both have said the same thing. They both have abilities but never said anything for fear of what others would think. My aunt now accepts this part of her. She told me to have fun with it but it really creeps me out. I'm not sure why. So what I'm trying to do now is find ways to accept and learn about this part of me. If I can learn to channel it in positive ways and use it, I'm sure it will help me with my goal.
My goal is to use my art and music to bring awareness to children, child abuse, and the fact that people just are not there for their kids. Material things seem to be more important. I've never understood this. I want to make a difference here. I feel that if I can use my experiences, then everything didn't happen in vain. If I can put music out there for somene to hang on to , like I hung on to music, maybe it will be the thing that can carry them through, like it was for me. I know that this is what I'm suppose to be doing. I just have to stop getting in my own way. If anyone has had success with this type of thing, suggestions will be very welcome. I have a hard time with being different, but on the other hand, I don't want to fit in because I don't like what I see. I tend to be pretty negative lately and am trying to turn that around. I've had a couple very traumatic events happen in the past 2 years, they've seem to really have knocked me down. I'm dealing with PTSD right now, but have been doing a bit better this past week. I numb out alot. Anyway, I know this sound very negative. I'm usually quite positive but have lost that a bit. I just want to believe in myself again. Ok, so that's the work I have ahead of me. I'm sure I'll learn some really important things from this time in my life.
So, that's where I am right now, I hope to get back on track soon.
(Ed. Note- Pam sent two bios, here's the second)
My name is Pam. I've pretty much have always known I was gifted all my life. I grew up in a lot of abuse, extreme abuse. My "giftedness" I think was the thing that got me through it. I always had the attitude that "they were not going to knock me down." I was always extremely driven. Even if it meant that I would get hit, most of the time, I would stick to my guns. I've always had very strong intuition. When I was young I didn't think about it. I just listened to it. This saved me from a pedophile when I was in grade school. For years a friend of mine thought that I was one of this man's victims because I just hated him. I explained to her that he made me sick, I wasn't sure why but he gave me a stomach ache. I didnt' like the way he looked at me. Being around him I remember always feeling "dirty". I didn't question it, I just stayed away. He never approached me. I actually got into a heated debate with him (I was in second grade and this man was arguing with me...go figure) about the use of animals in the science museum. I was very out spoken about the fact that it wasn't right for anyone to kill animals just so they can be put on display for us humans to look at. He was furious with me. I stuck to my guns though until he gave up. I think I even got the last word in.
Very driven child I was On the flip side though, it caused me a lot of pain, and still does. I had to live with a truely evil aunt who knew I could see through her. Because of this she literally tortured me, but she didn't break me though. As I got older I became more quiet and confused about what I knew and could sense. At age 17 I ran away from my last abusive home. Funny, I thought all of the confusion would just go, I didn't know about Post Traumatic Stress. My esteem was pretty low but I was determined to fix that.
To back step a bit I was, and am an artist for as long as I can remember, I drew constantly and sang. At age 7 I made the decision to be a singer (I didn't know I didn't have to choose between music and art) I planned to keep going with my art but I was going to make a living as a singer. At age 14 I decided that my mission in life was to help those children who were trapped in homes like I was. To put something out there for these kids to hold on to. To show them that they will get out. I also wanted to make people aware of what was going on...right next door, so they couldn't turn away. While I was in outragiously abusive homes, people turned away. There was no where for me to go to get help or get out. I wanted to do something to stop others from that same situation.
So, at 17 I was on my own. I had written a research paper in school about child abuse. They had stated many times over that children who grow up in this kind of environment have trust issues. I didn't realize how resilient I was. I started a relationship with a man who was 5 years older than I was soon after I ran away . I was not able to date while I was living in my last foster home. I was very mature for my age so I didn't think that there was anything wrong with this. When I got that terrible gut feeling, not as strong but similar to the one I got from the pedophile, instead of listening to it I said to myself, "Oh, there it is...there's that trust problem I read about." It then became a trust problem (my intuition) but not the way I thought it was. I no longer trusted myself. Because of this I have ended up in many abusive relationships. Always trying to believe what people were saying, always ignoring that stomach ache that screamed that they were lying. It seemed that I was surrounded by people who had big egos and low self esteem. People who screamed at me, "You always have to be right!!!!!! You make me feel stupid!!! Why can't you just agree with me!!!!!! Why can't you trust me!!!!! You're so stuborn!!!" Constantly beating me down emotionally. God forbid that maybe I did know what I was talking about. And usually I was right.
By age 24 I buckled and thought that maybe they were right. Maybe I did need to listen to others. After all, that's what I see others do. What makes me so right, even though I had this knot in my stomach, why did that HAVE to mean anything. So with no one to support me, I totally stopped listening to myself at that point. This lead me down the road to emotional devistation. And that's where I've been for a while now and am trying to find my way out of it. I'm trying to trust my intuition again but it's a hard sell. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to appear "new age spacey" I don't want to be a freak. I don't like it when I know the next word in someone's sentence before they say it or I finish sentences for them.
It's a lot more than that. I think this lack of trust I have in myself is a symptom of things that have gone on in my life. I know this sounds very negative, and it is. That's where I am right now. I seemed to be in a fog, not wanting to believe I am what I am. Although I'll have dreams that come true, although I know what people are will say before they say it, although I can pick up people's emotions just by walking past them. I was reading something about someone, I don't remember if it was here but it was on the same subject, anyway, about someone not being able to be surprised with gifts because they always knew what the gift was. I do that all the time.
I can't remember the last time I was surprised. And that's ok, that's a little petty thing but when I read that I identified with it. I never considered it being a part of my intuitiveness, I thought it was odd but I pushed it away, I didn't even want to look at it. I've known that I have an aunt who tends to be psychic. I've heard, although have never seen, that she has telekenisis (sp?). I asked my mother about this and she told me that my aunt did have abilities here. So I contacted her and she told me that my grandmother did as well, so this type of thing even runs in my family. My son is like this as well.
So, I'm hoping to find a way to accept who I am, be comfortable, learn how to channel this in a positive way, not be afraid of it, and be at peace in my life...oh yea...and make a difference in the world . I feel that I'm very far off track here. I'm a walking paradox it seems. I want to be different because I don't like what I see in this world, yet I want to fit in. I'm very interested in energies, psychic ability, and being able to channel it in different ways, yet I don't want it to be me who can do that. I want to accept myself, yet I'm uncomfortable with the way my mind works. I'm hoping that I'll stop walking this balance beem here and fall into the real me. So, that's where I am right now. I hope I'll be somewhere more positive in the near future. I'll be working towards it anyway..
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