As a kid I always felt different. It wasn't that I was left out or that my family was critical (for the most part) or anything, it was just that I "felt" that there was something different about me than everyone else. I earned early on the titles of "recluse", "hermit", and "anti-social" from my family. I began reading at the age of three and often hid from the rest of the family (even at the age of four) to entertain my favorite hobby of reading (I currently at the age of 21 have a library quickly approaching 2000 books). I started listening to opera when I was 10, and seeing as how my family listened to Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and Lynard Skynard, I'm sure you'll understand they were wondering where the heck I came from. When I was eleven I discovered my favorite author in William Shakespeare and devoured his writings.
In school, I was often selected to tutor others and learning came very quickly to me. When I was in second grade my family had moved to New Jersey where they discovered my advanced reading skills and selected myself and one other girl to undertake an "advanced program". The program was simply more difficult readings and answering questions regarding them. We were assigned to do two readings each week. The night I received it I was so ecstatic I went home and did all 50 or so readings. Of course when I brought it in to the teacher, she yelled at me since she now had nothing to give me. After that I learned to downplay my intelligence a little. (I later discovered that they had asked my parents for permission to transfer me to a gifted school but my mother refused since we had already moved 4 times that year and she thought it would be detrimental. I'm sure you can understand my irritation and complaining when I found THAT out! :P)
So sixth grade comes along and when they select 30 mathematically advanced students to take advanced math studies starting the next year, guess who they picked. :) For the most part I did pretty well in school. But as I progressed through the years and we started the "higher" math classes, things would just come so easily to me that I would ignore the teacher and slide by in the class. Then there was the engilsh teacher that I proclaimed to be severely incompetent and told my parents (as they were yelling at me from the phone conversation they just had with said teacher explaining that I hadn't been doing my work in school) that I could teach her class and reiterated her incompetence. (I then made it a point to prove that fact to my father with a trick I played on the woman. ha!) I often had teachers asking me if something was correct or how to do something. When I finally got to my senior year and I was allowed to take the honors courses I was thrilled at the fact that they were actually challenging! I ended up graduating high school with college credits and a certificate for being a "Top 10 Math Student" in my class. I never thought they would have given THAT to me considering my penchant to ignore the teachers on a constant basis :)
Anyway, so that was my school life. At home I was a recluse, I was always hiding away with a book somewhere just hoping for another nugget of knowledge to come down. Then I started dating. As you can imagine, I beat down my personality to be what he wanted me to even though it made me miserable. So along with my personality, I also pushed down all the little odd things that I had always experienced. Shapes and shadows constantly moving at the corners of my eyes, just beyond my sight. Dreams that would come true the next day. Deja vu that came so frequent it was irritating. A couple of interesting visions of things and people I've yet to see or know, yet somehow do. The mock ESP tests my mother would give me that I would always got around 90% accuracy on. I pushed all of that (and my friends and family) away for the kid just so I could hopefully maybe belong to someone or something for just once in my life. Well we broke up of course.
After we did though, I started becoming really good, and eventually best, friends with a guy from school named Leif. Leif's mother was really into reiki and shamanism as well as various other metaphysical things and as such. Leif had an extensive knowledge on the topic. (Leif and his mom both told me something about having a very dark blue arua, with little dots of light blue mixed in). Round about this time both Leif and an acquantaince of mine seemed to take me up as a pet project to what I called "save me". For some reason they both got a bee in their bonnets about what I was doing with my life and kept trying to talk to me about religion and spirituality and things of the sort. I don't remember what they claimed as their reasons at the moment, but that they just felt like they had to. Leif would try to get me to touch with my metaphysical side. While I would touch on it briefly, as soon as I started having those "visions" again, I started to ignore it again.
I started to go to college but the classes were too slow, too boring, and took too long to get to the point, so I quickly dropped out and began studying on my own. At the same time, being intrigued by my friends' trying to "save" me, I began researching religion and to set out to discover what I believed and didn't believe. When I was 11 I decided that while there absolutely was a divinity, it wasn't a supreme being watching over us and judging our reactions, but that all of us together : humans, animals, plants, were the divine and each of us had a part in it. To explain stories of angels I said that they were similar to humans but existed on a different plane.
So in my research of the worlds religions in an attempt to find one for me, I decided that what I had set upon before was true and that I wouldn't claim a religion because they were all too much the same thing and that by claiming and adhering to any one of them, I would be discounting the rest. And for a while I tried to develop and rediscover my aforementioned "abilities" and they came back rather strongly. But then I started to doubt myself and think I was crazy and that everything I was seeing was of my imagination. So I started to ignore the things that happen and chalk the constant deja vu up to, well I guess it just means that I'm supposed to be right here, right now. Then a very close friend of mine, who happens to know of all this stuff calls me up yesterday telling me about these kids and that she thinks it would fit me rather nicely. So I read about it, take a couple of aura tests, recall the psychic friend and I went to comment of "you're on a spiritual path of enlightenment" as soon as I step in the room, and start freaking out. :)
I suppose I have mixed feelings (i.e. "freaking out") because this might mean that no, I'm definitely not normal and cannot be. When before I had hope to someday perhaps belong and not feel the incredible lonliness and sadness that I feel nearly constantly, that hope might now be gone. But it also could explain why the friend who told me of this is probably the one of the only people that I can feel somewhat content with. (we think she's an indigo, too, or at least a tainted one) I've been suicidal since I was eleven because of this 'thing' that's inside me. Not because I'm so upset with my life but just because (and this might sound odd) I want to go home. Sometimes I just KNOW that I don't belong here and that we're not really here anyway. I frequently yell at my body as if it is a seperate entity and do not always consider it to be an actual part of me. (I suppose that sounds odd, but then again if all the rest of you feel the same way maybe it doesn't :P) I love just lying in bed and feel everything slip away until there is no feeling and no sensation but ME.
To explain my personality, according to aura colors, I'm an indigo (11) followed by blue (10), so I'm fairly sensitive in nature. (this whole essay as I type it sounds cold and harsh to me, but i'm trying to say a lot in a little and it's very difficult for me not to expound upon things until every little facet and sub-facet is explained :)) Sometimes I just love things SO much it hurts. The quote in the movie "American Beauty" really struck home with me of "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." I really feel that way a lot. I've always seemed to just love things (people, animals, nature) so very very much. Especially my parents. I think of them sometimes and I want to cry with how much I care for them. And then there's the world. I have an ulcer because since I was around 12, I would sit in my room and have anxiety attakcs about the world and its problems. No issue in particular, it was just that I felt so sad for everything and it really hurt me to just know the state of affairs, even when there wasn't a war or anything. I would just cry and make myself sick over it. I never have felt like I have some great purpose though. Like I was put here to be known and recognized or anything. I do often feel like it's kinda my job to make people think outside the bounds of that which they've been taught and to teach them how to question everything they can. I love when I can get somebody to see something they were so adamant about in a different light and perhaps change their perception. It makes me think that maybe if they can change just one thing and start questioning that one thing then maybe they'll continue doing that for everything. Maybe it won't happen, by I can dream can't I?? :)
Anyway, I'm sorry this was so darn long. But it's kind of hard to sum up a life story without making it your "life story" :)
hope to talk to all of you soon!
Love and laughter to all
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