An artist through and through, I focus on music and writing. I have just begun acknowledge my spirituality, though I have always felt it. I've always felt the world as being deeper than anyone noticed, something I could never understand. As I read through the bios, I was overwhelmed at how positive and optimistic everyone is, another thing that has only recently developed in me. I tried very hard to fit in when I was younger, because I knew I was different. My attitudes an ideas weren't apreciated in school, and as I grew, it seemed like there was only rejection and isolation to be found within its walls. I think what really made me hurt, was I was always told I'm, "bright, but doesn't live up to his potential". They gave me xeroxed hand-outs, and then lectured me about potential.
I had a lot of problems with anger and depression, having suicidal thoughts as early as 3rd grade, so I learned to hide who I was and put distance between myself and others. I conformed as best I could because I didn't want to let everyone down. It didn't work well, and I was mostly removed from my peers. It's not that I wasn't social, I just didn't fit in, and I could sense it with startling clarity. My best friends became books, music, and the sanctuary of my bedroom. I was very introverted and relished my time alone, sitting on a patch of shady grass. It just seemed like this couldn't be my world, like there was a mix-up.
I couldn't sit still and not talk, I was never able to focus on "what's real". I thought I was defective or something. Even when I tried to play along, I still got detention. It seemed any way I went about it, I lost. This had a lot to due with me rejecting the idea of spirituality, because if there was some sort of force, or energy that flowed throught the world, then it sucked, because I had no friends, and no one understood how I felt.
Dying a little more with every hoop I jumped through, I snapped. I just couldn't take it anymore. I did everything I could to go against everything "normal", "acceptable", "apropriate". I also became very self-destructive. I turned to drugs and self-mutilation, anything to take away the emptiness that choked me. Lord knows my mother tried, but she just couldn't see things the way I did. Things progressed (or degraded) that way for a while. I fought against the mainstream, against authority, and everything else that perpetuated a vacant world, without any individual thought or compassion; usually violenty.
I searched for something real. I have always know that I'm meant for some purpose, some destiny but I don't know what. I do know that the world isn't the way it should be. With a lot of love and help, I stepped back from the edge, but still cling to my ideals with ferocity. (I know that sounds kind of dramatic, but I was really a mess) I am very lucky to be alive and well, but can't shake the feeling that everything has been for a reason. After way too many drastic changes in my life, I ended up in the "Great State of Texas".
I started doing bodywork after a family member coerced me into it, and things have been clicking since. I find that I have a powerful gift to help people, and make them hurt less. I began to look at all the things I've taken for granted for so long, like an affinity with animals and nature in general, hyper-sensitivity to people and how they feel, and very strong intuition and premonitions. A lot of weird synchronistic events have kept me here a lot longer than I had planned, and its almost starting to feel like I'm in the right place, or on the right track. It beats waiting tables.
I stumbled on the Indigo subject by accident (or did I?) and the more I read about it... I was just so happy that maybe I wasn't crazy and alone. It's funny how things always happen like they're supposed to, right when they're supposed to. I have a lot of hope for the future, and look forward to getting more in touch with what's really real. There's something in the air, and it feels like change. Thank you for letting me be a part in this, and thank you all for just being you.
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