well, i guess it's bout time i went ahead and did this. i'm 19 years old... i'll be 20 Sept. 1st (not yet counting the days, tho.. lol) I was born at Charleston Naval Base, SC. Within 2 weeks my parents had moved to Southern Cali. My brothers were born in San Diego Hospital, and we lived there until just before i finished the 2nd grade.
now, i realize i kinda rushed through most of that. I really don't know a whole lot about my childhood, tho i remember bits and pieces of it. I was tested for the G.A.T.E. program during 1st grade, and passed, apparently. I had a very bad temper, and i would get angry easily. At home, things were also a bit odd. For almost as long as i can remember, we had someone in our household that is not related to any of us. I shall refer to him as Bob throughout this. Bob, at least from how i understand it, became a friend of the family after my parents had helped him through a rough period in his life, and i think he's probably more than repaid that over the years.
now, up to this point, my life had not been all that chaotic. i was mostly a loner, and had very few friends. However, near the end of my 2nd grade year, the landlord sold the house we were living in. After much calling and searching, we came to the realization that there was no place available that would hold the whole group of us. Bob, however, knew of a place in Kansas where we could live, that his mom owned.
My dad didn't accompany us. He stayed with his current job and sent money, with the intent to eventually make it there. meanwhile, it took us around 11 days or so to finally make it (mostly due to car trouble). this is kinda where things took somewhat of a downturn for me, i think.
First off, i was starting 3rd grade, in a small town area. If you're not acquainted with the small town atmosphere, well, usually everyone knows everyone, and everyones grandparents too. New people, unless they redeem themselves immediately, are often shunned or gossiped about. I started school, and found myself immediately in the "unpopular" category. I was entered into the Gifted program, and apprently, i was quite aware of my own intelligence. As a ferinstance, i was reading Piers Anthony's Xanth novels by that time (according to what i've been told, that is around HS reading level). I found myself growing quite irritated when in group work, no one would listen to me, and also found myself picked on a lot.
Bob was often my confidant in these situations. when i had mentioned my lack of friends, he pointed out that i might be flaunting my intelligence a bit too much. And in what ended up becoming calssic of me, i "remedied" the problem. I started being quieter, more of a loner. I worked on modesty, trying to not brag or flaunt what i know and more or less worked my way to the other extreme. I "knew" i was smart, but i continually tore myself down. I started believing that the reason no one liked me is because i was worthless.
As i was going through the 8th grade, i realized that a short fuse on my temper wasn't winning me any popularity contests either. So i "remedied" things again, repressing my anger and resentment. I denied my anger, and fought it. This, coupled with my already building self-dislike, pushed me further. I started to get quite depressed and alone. As HS went on, i found myself less often a figure of fun, but i still pushed myself down. Throughout school, i tended to find it boring, and often goofed off. The classes i excelled in were either fun, or challenging. If they were neither, i let them slide, working my way along "just passing". I hated myself for not doing better, and felt myself closing in upon myself, feeling trapped. i knew where i needed to get out at, but i had no one who would even look for me. I dared not tell anyone, not my parents, not Bob, because i felt they wouldn't understand. And school counselors? *derisive snort* i distrust them with a passion.
fortunately, i never attempted suicide. I thought about it a couple times, but i don't think i had the stomach for it. Instead, i indulged in a depressive "purge" so to speak. every month or two, i'd go outside, and just release all the hate and loathing i had for myself. i'd cry, and internally i'd be screaming "why? Why me?". it took several times of this until i started talking to the sky. By the time i started this, i had already wrestled with Christianity, and found it not to my liking. I don't mean to say i disagree with it, or think it is wrong, but it is not for me. But, i found myself looking at the stars, and talking to them, hoping that SOMEone would hear, and maybe listen. I think these were my first step to my current beliefs, and i am much happier for finding them.
Finally, HS came to a close, and i found myself college-bound. College has been probably one of the best things to happen to me ever. i've managed to make some friends, and i was able to finally make headway towards accepting myself, and even beginning to like me. I've grown spiritually, and i'm working on my eventual plans to start and raise a family (and before ya ask, i ain't engaged to anyone currently :P )
that's most of it in a nutshell.
Catch ya later,
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