I'm 33. I'm not one that was hit with the condition of ADD. Instead my extremes of emotion and empathy took me in the direction of a 'chemical imbalance.' In 1992, the month of April, I was reborn in the heights of mania. I brought myself to sanity's edge with the belief that I could not be of a maximized benefit to the betterment to the world's consciousness through the confined conditions of commonly held sanity. I was nearly 24 years of age and of the realization that being a corporate climber or any sort of indentured servant of work would hold me back from finding my higher potential.
I faced five episodes of removal from commonly held reality. I have been incarcerated in asylums and jail. I have fallen from my old direction of a pursuit of a normal life, and have found emancipation from work through mental disability. In my free time I have found rest and introspection. I am free to read and search out myself and seek solutions of both a spiritual and physical nature. It took years of grappling with the absorbed pain of the society of my childhood, but I finally was able to release the paranoia, worry and rage that held me suspended.
For so long, these spirits of trouble induced influence on my thoughts and behavior that I had identified myself with them. Upon their slow and gradual release, I found myself concerned with my true self and identity. I am in a continued state of repair. I have considered how I might fight the good fight without fighting. I have searched out the simple methods that I might use to better my world. It will not be a large manner. It will be big in a small sense. It must be for others on a person by person basis. Like a pyramid scheme or a constructive cancer cell, dividing and multiplying over and over. The loose structure of my planning came this year.
It was early in the morning on Wednesday the 29th, August. In two days, I'd read, Mr. Rogers was retiring from making his Neighborhood television show. Rogers and I exchanged letters for a brief period. I'd always thought that his core message was one that people should already know and be aware of in their own life and development. That message being, "You are special" or you matter, your life is significant. I do know that many people grow into the age of social accountability without having truly been shown this. Little children are more apt to hear and feel comfortable with Mr. Rogers form of delivery. His tunes are really OK.
At one point in my early days of mania I ordered all of his taped song recordings. I had the idea that if Fred had sounded like Sinatra, he would have been able to get through to more adults. He has an excellent and humane nature. I've always considered him to be an actual living Holy man. I don't see this merely because of his status as an ordained minister. It is his life's drive of implementing a sense of self worth and safety for children without other sources close by.
I have seen children that did not have an awareness of worth. I have been a foster brother to some in my life. I also know that there are many more that did not find the avenue of a foster home of safety and nurture. There are many children that have grown to be improperly proportioned adults. I told Rogers in one of the letters that I had this ambition to become some sort of beacon for implementing proportion in the adults that didn't find safety as children. I told Fred I wanted to be a more severe person of blessing for lost adult children. He wished me well. He's an excellent man.
He started his show in 1968, the year I was born. I don't know exactly how I will go about it, but I plan to somehow pick up the torch for Fred. I want to be sure that it isn't so structured that it appears expected. I think it needs to be done in a very natural fashion. You know, "the people that you meet, when you're walking down the street - each day." The people in my Neighborhood.
I know it's important to refrain from the prospect of self importance. Self worth is one thing, but self importance is certainly another. When and if I help, I need to know and make sure it is not about me. I do realize that there is a non public, non visible form of blessing that returns to those who help others in need. Some fellas need help. Some ladies do too. But I need to be sure that I do not take advantage of anyone at a low ebb. When or if I feel physical hanker, I need always remember my established scruples. I am more than my glands, and just as a Doctor, Lawyer, Minister or Teacher should always refrain from taking advantage of those that are in their care, neither should a maniac on a mission of self actualization.
When it's not easy to be good, then its good to step back and take it easy. I get to live like a monk in a monastery built for one. I get to run it after the fashion that I personally deem fit. Feed the cat, water the plants, read, write, rest, TV, radio, music, eat healthy foods, exercise and train in the martial arts - it's so damn good. I've got to send out the surplus of blessing and growth that I'm floating in. I have no right to hoard this to myself alone.
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