I was born and raised in west Texas. My dad worked in the oil business, my mom stayed at home till the divorce. I have a younger sister named Caryn who is more like my parents (she is married and teaches the 1st grade in San Antonio), especially my mom who is German and very conservative.
My childhood was kind of weird-- I was raised around money, in a town that thought it was going to be the next Dallas (George W. was raised there). I went to a private Montessori school with the local rich kids (none of whom I ever understood or was friends with). The vibe was pretty much one of "fitting in". For whatever reason, I never did.
I can't really explain it, how I managed to turn out so different from my family. I wasn't raised religious, we never went to church, yet from about the 2nd grade on I wanted to know "why" I was here, where I'd come from, what the "meaning of life" was, what the history of the planet was, etc. In 1978, after seeing a commercial on ABC for a TV show called Isis, I found an old set of blue encylcopedias and started looking up stuff on Egypt, Greek mythology, Atlantis, and astrology. No one had ever taught me the concept of "reincarnation"; my parents never mentioned it. We never went to church, so I had never learned whether it was possible or not. I just knew that when I saw pictures of Egypt or Greece I felt better, and I believed that Atlantis was a real place.
I didn't really tell other kids about my interests; I don't know how i knew, but I realized I would be an outcast if I did.
It is possible that I took refuge in 'far away places' because of being unhappy at home. My parents fought constantly, my dad drank and ran around, and I was physically abused. In the 4th grade, after a several-year build up, my parents divorced and my mom moved me and my sister to Corpus Christi, a coastal town in South Texas.
I felt better in Corpus and was glad to be away from my father, who took his anger out on me. I started studying astrology. My mom got me a little toy computer for Christmas. The computer would spit out numbers after you typed in the data which you could look up in a book. I thought it was cool. I told my friends at school (that was the last year I really had any) that in the futre psychotherapists would use astrology to understand people. I told them that's what I wanted to be, a psychotherapist/astrologer.
The next year my parents got back together. We moved to Austin to another neighborhood with rich kids. Although we had money, I felt totally out of place. Although I did well in school I withdrew emotionally and developed a grudge against the school system. I decided all the teachers were in a conspiracy to ruin our lives. I would have quit school if I could have.
The year after that my parents got a divorce for good and we moved BACK to Corpus, which did not appeal to me. The place just seemed dark. I made friends, started going out with guys and experimenting some sexually, and eventually wound up in therapy in junior high for depression. The people at school seemed superficial and fake, and I was lonely. The face I presented to people was different though-- I was in drama and usually had a play to do or something. But something seemed wrong. Those were really the darkest years of my life.
In highschool I went to live with my dad (my mother became too much of a control freak to live with), who had a younger alcoholic girlfriend who liked to break windows and destroy things. Jimmy (my dad) was pretty much in his own world all the time, so I rounded up my own group of friends and didn't discuss much with him. I was required to make good grades at school (necessary I decided in order to escape home through college). Other than that there was no communication. I never did much homework yet managed somehow to place out of 9 hours of college English.
After I graduated from highschool I moved to Austin, more on intuition than reason--- I never did find a purpose in college and eventually dropped out (later I went back). My Austin years were hard -- I didn't know what I wanted to do, didn't like class yet could do the work, and wasn't interested in my peers. Guys were interested in me, but sex wasn't all that. Eventually I took up astrology and metaphysical stuff, joined a therapy group, and started eating at a macrobiotic center. I worked some, but in general 9-5 stuff bored me. Who knows, maybe I'm just a slacker.
The last several years since graduating from school have been mixed--- I've travelled to both coasts but have not been able to find where I really want to be. My spiritual life is probably the richest part of my daily life, yet I can't really talk about it. My intuition has become so sharp that I am shocked about the things I know about in advance, yet I also can't talk about that, because I don't want to get branded a "psychic". Our whole culture is fascinated with psychics, and personally, I think it's kind of unhealthy. There are some who say "we're all psychic, we should all BE psychic" and that's OK, I guess. Yes, we all have a Higher Self who knows everything. But I think what is missing, from my own life and from what I see in most of the new age movement, is discipline. Tuning in to stuff all day long may not be a good thing. I have wondered lately what the point is of picking up vibes all day. Is it helping me? Am I getting anywhere? My family has suggested I go on medication, which I have deeply resisted. To be honest, I don't know what, if anything is wrong with me, and that is why I'm here.
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