Adult Indigo Bio - Beth
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My name is Beth (22) from Altoona Pennsylvania. I am a mother to Jacob (14 months), and I just want to start off by saying that finding your website tonight was a godsend literally. I started out tonight looking for information pertaining to what is going on with my son and not only did I find that, but I found myself feeling at home! This information explained so much to me about my life, and has made me understand about the current activities where my son is concerned.
From about age 4 I knew I was different somehow. I could read before kindergarten and already do all the other things kids that age are just learning, and could not stand to see other people hurting or in silent turmoil. Whether someone actually spoke of their inward pain or not, I invariable just knew that all was not right with certain people and would become upset. I have never responded well to dominant authority. I obeyed my parents and teachers only if I did not feel as though I were being "forced" to do so. To this day, my mother tells me how stubborn I am, and its a well known memory in my family of temper tantrums I would have as a young child when things became too much for me. I have never accepted things "just because" the way other's do. Society says women may not wear white after Labor Day, that older women may not wear their hair down, that women are more nurturing than as are men and therefore should be interested in decorating a house, doing laundry, raising children and that all women should want to be married etc. I rebelled against all of this. Even as an adult, I have the aversion to being told what I should want or do. I have said many times over the years things like "IF I decide to get married, I will because I want to, not because everyone thinks I should." It just irritates me that people seem to think I should conform to how they wish to live their lives and IM the one who is wrong because I don't want to. Now that I am an adult, I still do things in unconventional ways.
I very clearly remember a fight I had with my mother specifically about old ladies having to wear their hair up. My grandmother took care of the elderly and at this particular time was taking care of just such a lady that I became very close to. This lady didn't speak much, but I KNEW it made her feel very sad every morning when my grandmother would place my friend's hair in a bun and it upset me terribly that she must feel such sadness and be required to do something that made no sense whatsoever. It wasnt very long after this incidence that I stopped going with my grandmother to the elderly people's homes because I couldn't emotionally handle the overwhelming sadness that would befall me. By the time I was 9 I had given up openly questioning things and immersed myself in reading.
I spent as much time ignoring the outside world as possible. I stopped doing homework in 5th grade as it irritated me. Not that I couldnt do the work, but that I was required to do such boring and uncreative things. Whereas my mother would ground my sisters from going outside to play, or from doing special things with her because of bad grades or bad behavior, I eventually ended up getting grounded from books because I didnt care about anything else. My mother never could "control" me beyond a certain point. Luckily she realized while I was still a young age, and she found other ways to deal with who I was without trying to crush my "spirit". She understood that I didnt do things or feel certains ways just to defy her, I was just different. To this day, my oldest sister still harbors some resentment that I was treated differently, that I was more allowed the freedom to be who I was without fear of serious repercussions as long as I didnt cross my mother's firm boundaries.
My father and I often butted heads and had a serious dislike for each other because he didnt understand me and wanted to change me into what he thought I should be. He always thought I should care about ways to make money for example, the way other people do, I should care about the set ways of doing things but I always wanted to do them my way and became very upset that although the result was the same, my way was always wrong. For instance, in 7th grade we were required to do a 2 minute simple speech. I was incredibly bored with the project, and honestly scared of being put at center stage like that when the other children by then knew I was different and teased me about it. Instead of the speech, I brought my collie who was my best friend, into the school and did a 10 minute dissertation on him, and the spiritual side of having animals as pets.
I picked fights with the teachers I had in school who came acrossed as being better than I simply because I was a child and was given in school suspension on several occasions. I am actually a quiet, very well mannered person but I cannot stand concepts, beliefs, or opinions that have no logical reasoning to me, they make me angry and if pushed far enough I will still have a temper tantrum like that of a small child. At one point, around age 17, I started having the thought that I would have a nervous breakdown if the pressure was not let off for me to be like everyone else. I moved away from my immediate family then, and stayed with my aunt in a different state as I knew she could accept me for who I was.
One other thing that clearly stood out for me, although I will censor a tad for the sake of propriety, is the reference to sexuality differences. Something on the website mentioned that indigos are usually either sexually oriented beyond the normal, or totally averse to it. I have always been sexually expressive to the point of making others uncomfortable. One of the major traumas in my life was being ganged up on by my mother and sister because I made them uncomfortable and caused jealousy simply by being me. Please understand that I never invited their husbands to be sexual with me, but alot of my mannerisms and ways of an expressive outlet for me were just sexually oriented. This, as other things, is something that I learned to control or hide for the sake of getting along because I could no longer stand up for who I was after a 7 year battle.
Also, since the two things seem connected, I have psychic abilities and always have had. As do my mother and sister to a point. Since I can remember, I have dreamed of things that happen, or of other's emotional pain. I dreamed about my mother once, which was the first time I ever spoke of this to anyone. I was about 9 years old and my mother had been having problems that she didn't tell us kids about. I woke my older sister up in the middle of the night and told her something was wrong with mom, and we went downstairs and confronted her with it. I was right. My mother had been having problems and had a doctors appt the very next day. We later found out that she had cancer. Other things are knowing unconciously that someone is thinking about me, and I call them right when they are getting ready to call me, answering the phone before it rings, finishing my mom's sentences, or answering her before she gets the chance to speak my name, and even on several occasions calling my sister to make sure my neices are okay, only to be called the next day to hear my neice had 7 stiches in her head, or that my sister had dropped the baby who suffered a hairline skull fracture.
I have found a balance inside myself. I no longer feel so seperate or as if I am a freak. I accept who I am, and only discuss my peculiarities with my family members. The only difference that still remains that I cannot change no matter how hard I try is that I do not get along well with others. They always sense my difference before even speaking to me and tend to avoid me usually. I don't do well at social gatherings or in group settings. I feel out of place and am invariably ignored anyway.
My son is 14 months old. I needs must give a little bit of background on him so that you can fully appreciate where I am coming from. I will at least try to be brief but cannot gaurantee this. I feel like a little kid so excited to have someone to talk to who understands exactly what I am talking about!
Nothing about my son has ever been like other children. I was told at 17 that I would never have kids because of female problems and cervical cancer. I lost a child before my son, and have miscarried 3 times since him so his birth is a true miracle to me and my doctors cannot explain how I have him. He was however born prematurely and both of us almost died during my labor. Then after he was here safely, he started having problems. First it was spells where he would become totally unresponsive and doctors could not explain beyond possible sensory overload, and then he start having apnea spells where he would quit breathing for sometimes up to a minute with no explaination. He spent a week in the hospital after which we were sent home, told to take cpr and pray as they didnt think he would see his first birthday. I have always known that something about him was different but I wouldnt have been able to explain it to anyone so I never spoke up. My family members are starting to notice and saying things though which is what prompted me to see if I could find somewhere on the internet that might explain...and I found you!
My son gets fascinated by things. Since he was about 5 months old, he would sit and watch one entire movie over and over without losing interest. He is incredibly stubborn at 14 months old, and already he and I are having true battles of wills so to speak. Staring contests between us are a daily occurance when it comes to something he wants to have or do that I won't allow. I have him enrolled in a program for developmentally delayed children, but its becoming apparent to me that he isnt delayed at all, but that he just has his own ways of doing things. He speaks over 20 words and is already starting to use phrases..but only when HE wants to.
He already understands concepts that my 3 year old neice wouldnt understand. For instance and keeping in mind that he is only 14 months old and supposed to be behind his age group at that, he was walking around in his socks the other day, slid and almost lost his balance. I cannot imagine another child his age reacting to this as he did. He regained his balance, purposefully sat down, and tried to remove his socks so that he wouldnt slide again. He does things like this all the time so I wasn't surprised, but my mother happened to be here at the time and let me tell you her jaw just about dropped to the floor. She had 5 children of her own and she couldn't get over it. It's been about 4 days now and she is still remarking about it to any one who will listen! My sister has also started noticing things as well. My son is VERY intelligent and you can see it in his eyes literally. There is just something there. I am also starting to guess that he has psychic talents which are much stronger or perhaps just different than the rest of my family.
As I said earlier, the doctor's had suspected sensory abnormalities in him when he was an infant. When all the medical trouble was going on though, I was very careful to keep him at home and away from large groups of people, bright lights etc so that he wouldn't become over excited and that didnt seem to help. Now he is showing other signs of being sensitive to things most people are not bothered by. He sometimes becomes upset and uncontrollable even around small groups of people and will place his hands over both his ears as if to shut out sounds others cannot hear, and on alot of occasions will respond to something I am thinking and havent yet spoken. Like, I will be planning our day and think about him needing to be bathed and he will walk over to the bathroom door wanting his "tubby time" as we call it. He will be playing in his room as I am sitting in the living room thinking about going somewhere and he will come out and go stand by the door.
Sometimes I don't have to verbally correct him for things, all I have to do is THINK about telling him no and he will quit what he is doing. He is started to demand explainations for things and since he cannot talk well enough to make himself understood, he does so with his eyes. My mother says that there is no way at his age he should be asking what things are, why they are, or being so curious as to how things work the way he does. He watches every detail of how people do things,....like starting a car, or those swivel stools at a doctors office totally fascinate him. He will crouch down and look underneath it while making it turn to see how it works. Things like that.
Anyways, I just wanted to share and be heard! There is no way I can afford the classes I saw being offered on your sight, but wanted to tell you how much it's going to mean to anyone who comes across your site and feels an immediate sense of understanding as I did! Also, you have allowed me to understand about my son so that I can raise him and respect him for the little unique person that he is!
Thanks for your time,
Beth and Jacob