An adult Bio.
I realized I was not part of the 'crowd' since I turned 14. As a child and up to the beginning of high school I did not realize others had thoughts in their minds. My mind was clear of thoughts. If I had one I would say it. My life was at peace even though my outside world was chaotic. My mom began her cancer journey when I was four years old. I am the youngest of four. This continued until I was 14 when at last her body could take no more. I spoke on her death bed to her. I told her we could take care of ourselves and that she could go and be free. Much to my surprise my siblings did not all agree. For some reason beyond my comprehension, at the time, they were sad. I felt like celebrating her freedom from the horribly painful body she lived in. They told me I did not understand fully what had happened and that I was in shock. I would be over come with sadness at a later date when I could come to terms with what really happened. This was a pivotal point for me. I began to feel confused. It was then I discovered that the way I thought was not the 'way' people thought. I was very different.
During highschool, with this new found knowledge I found it very difficult to be open with others. Every time I did they looked at me as though I was weird, crazy, didn't make sense. My crowd of people I hung with understood that sometimes I just didn't talk. No one every asked or wanted to know enough to spend any real time on the subject. My waters ran deep, but they where interested in the latest band or clothes etc. I met my husband at age 18. After 3 months of a long distance relationship (7hrs) I told him some day we would be married. He didn't freak out but just looked at me as if to say "really!" We never broke up. We felt married already. We married 7 years later and have grown together. This relationship had the father's eye on it to ensure all rough times would not be able to break us. We have been blessed. The relationship has had its good years and its bad years. It's been on good years for quite some time now.
My friends were the kind you listened to, but there was little time to be listened to. There would be no solutions to their problems, just more problems. I decided to cut ties with every one of them. One held on and I had to write 2 letters attempting to explain to her that I needed to find out who I was. She admitted she had no idea what I was trying to say but would respect my wishes. I had been, from 14-28 years of age up to that point, trying to act like other people, in a desperate hope to "fit in". My mind was filled to the brim. It was full of dogmas, contradictive opinions and what a good person acts, talks, knows, reacts, ... etc.
It's been 5 years now. My work to discover me has been a long haul. I am open now to why I am the way I am. I am constantly clearing old programs. I am now being introduced to like minds. This you would think would be a easy transition. It has not been. For a large part of my life when "a" happened "b" and "c" would follow. "B" and "c" would cause me so much grief. After a while I became upset as soon as "a" would happened. "B" and "c" always did follow. Now alot of that has changed. "A" has been happening as in life it always does, but "b" and "c" are not. This freaks me out because my 'program in my mind states quite clearly the next things that happen are stressful. Without them happening I am a duck out of water. This is where life has brought me. And I suppose why I am letting someone else in my head...a bit... by writing this down here. The time has come for me to trust myself to be me...even if a lot of people cannot understand my passions. I am walking forward today. For today is all that 'really exists'.
I was given a statement a short time ago...
Each step we make into our future is filled with love and peace.
It is our 'choice' to bring that which is not love and peace forward from our past into our present.
It is this which clouds our future.
May the father that has created all seen and unseen bless all who read this with love and faith.
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