Special Needs Children - Not Just For Slow Learners

I am probably setting myself up for some harsh criticism here. I have heard it all before.

"You are a pushy mother"

"You are so full of it!"

And the worst comment ever:
You're the kind of mother who drives her child to suicide!"

I am an advocate for my children as all parents should be for theirs. Any hint of injustice directed at my children will send me flying into anger. Since I am a special needs child myself, my emotional impulsiveness sometimes gets the better of me. I have made enemies, because I tend to state my dissatisfaction with a situation rather firmly and sometimes "b____y."

I have two special needs children, and parents of special needs children need to be stronger advocates than those of "average" children (don't get me wrong here, I believe that no one is average, everyone has something special to offer that sets him/her apart from others). By average I mean according to society's standards for "normal". Upon hearing the term "special needs", most people will picture a child with Downs Syndrome or maybe a wheelchair. Then there are less visible impairments such as LD, Dyslexia, AD/HD (mental or emotional impairments) or let's say a bleeder (physical impairments). Hardly anyone will have a gifted child come to mind. A gifted child - handicapped? Oh, yes!

A gifted, or high ability child at an early age is often labelled trouble maker or emotionally/socially immature, because these kids misbehave due to boredom. Then if they get held back in school due to "immaturity" the problem is intensified instead of solved.

When one of my daughters was 3 1/2 years old, I thought her "reading" was merely memorization of her favorite books as many kids do. Slowly I began to realize that she actually knew the words even out of context. When her older sister brought home books from Kindergarten to practice her reading, Angela participated. If her older sister stumbled over a word, Angela quickly jumped to her rescue. When we were watching a movie, some words flickered across the screen, and Angela read them loud and clear, then we knew - she definitely knew how to read!

For her fourth birthday she requested a library card. We lived only a block away from the library, and every afternoon Angela would march to the library by herself, get some books and quietly sit in a corner and read. The librarian said, she was the best behaved child ever in the library. The librarian would call me, when Angela was ready to go home, so I could go outside and watch for her. Along with her growing reading skills, her math and writing skills grew rapidly beyond her age.

She wanted to go to school. She was in pre-school, but not very happy with it. Her thirst for challenges was never filled. She didn't want to watch Barney movies, she was interested in National Geographic shows. She didn't want to have "Spot Learns His ABC's" read to her, she wanted to sink herself into "The Boxcar Children" chapter books. Just to be absolutely sure that I was not just an overly eager mother, blinded by bias, I took Angela to be tested at the Intermediate School District.

At the age of 4 1/2 she tested with an overall IQ of 133, which is considered superior, and her emotional/social skills tested for 5 - 10 year old equivalent.

I was ready to present my case to the school board. I had the test results, a letter of recommendation from the librarian, a statement from the counsellor that going to school was imperative for her self-esteem (dented by a divorce) as well as recommendation letters from teachers from an enrichment program (we had fibbed about Angela's age to get her in. Once the teachers found out her real age,they were amazed for she was one of the best behaved and most attentive children). I also had an advocate for gifted children by my side.

Angela missed the deadline for Kindergarten by three months. But we were willing to pay the tuition - apparently schools don't get funding for children, who are too young. All I asked the school board for was to give her a six week trial period in Kindergarten. The board members took a very short look at my documentation (to short a look to really have been able to read anything...), they never asked to meet the child and cold heartedly turned us down. "She is too young!" was the only explanation. Oh, yeah, and the comment, which I mentioned at the beginning. That was off the record from a board member as I ran into her at the grocery store.

At the same time all sorts of arrangements were being made to accommodate a new Kindergartener. HE was in a wheelchair... The Kindergarten classrooms were not wheelchair accessible. I did not object to those arrangements, but I requested the same courtesy for my child's special needs. Her accommodations did not require any expenses or structural building changes, yet she was turned away.

We enrolled her in a private Kindergarten.It was better than pre-school, but she was still not satisfied. "Mommy, I always have to wait for the others to catch up. Can bring my own books and work to school?" She received an excellent report card, the only negative comment was regarding her behavior (likes to wander off and do her own thing...). Once again we approached the public school. Even though the Kindergarten she went through was accredited, the school board turned her down again. They insisted that she go through public Kindergarten first. We called several school districts about their policies and ended up moving.

In first grade the more advanced children were given the opportunity to go to second grade for part of the week.In second grade, Angela had a teacher, who had a gifted child herself. About halfway through third grade, Angela complained about boredom again. "Mommy, can I skip a grade?" We had several meetings with the school counsellor, a psychologist, the principal, the current teacher and the prospective 5th grade teacher to discuss this matter. The fifth grade had a special class for gifted children, which Angela's sister Sarah had also attended. Angela was accepted for a six week trial period (Angela had agreed to the possibility of having to go back to fourth grade). After about two weeks, the trial period ended...It was clear that Angela was there to stay! Her classmates did not even realize that she was so much younger, until they played a game evolving around birthdays. So much for concerns about social adjustments!

Angela is now in 8th grade, and student council president. I think we can safely assume that her peers do not look down on her as being a little kid...

Just as we thought we were out of the problem area, we came up against some rules again that were not made with special needs children on this side of the scale in mind. To top it off, the problem appears in a place, where no child should have to worry about injustice: church.

Our church has a teen group. Requirement for joining: be in grade 9-12 and 14-18 years old. Angela will be in 9th grade this fall. All her friends are teens. All her social/emotional issues are high school related. BUT - she is not 14. So, the teen group leaders do not think she should be allowed to join for another two years.

My request for looking at her grade level and not her age, was met with "...how do you justify to other people not making exceptions for their kids. You can't do it without being hypocritical. For example, if someone claims their kid is as smart and mature as Angela, how do we look them in the eye and say to them 'No he/she isn't'."

To illustrate our frustration let me bring up a hypothetical situation: I worked as an assistant in a middle school in the special education department. One of my charges was Johnny (not his real name). At the time he was 11 years old and in 5th grade. He was being main-streamed, yet most of my day with him, I spent rewriting the curriculum down to his about 2nd grade level skills. During recess we periodically tried giving him independence, but always returned to monitoring him closely, because his behavior was inappropriate.

At the same time Angela was 9 years old and in a 5th grade class for gifted students. Come this fall they will both be in 9th grade. If Johnny's mom decided to come to my church, Johnny would have to be accepted into the teen group. (Knowing Johnny's mom, I know she would insist...)

Would that be fair? Not to Johnny, because he would not get out of the group, what it is meant to give to teens... Not to the group, because Johnny would disrupt the dynamics... Most certainly not to Angela, who is far more emotionally and socially capable than Johnny. It would be like looking her in the eyes and saying "Just because you're in the same grade as Johnny does not mean you're as smart and mature as he is..." However, going strictly by the rules - as they are being interpreted right now - Johnny would be in and Angela wouldn't.

According to the Merriam-Webster Thesaurus a synonym for "handicap" is "disadvantage". That raises one last question: who is handicapped or "disadvantaged": Johnny or Angela?

P.S.: after writing this article and thus releasing my thoughts into the universe, I had a conversation with the regional person in charge of our church's youth program. There is somewhat of a compromise possible and Angela and I are exploring how to approach the right people about this. I will need guidance so my impulsiveness doesn't get the better of me...

Heide requests you check out her website, http://community.webtv.net/supermom59/Thecoolestmomonthe, and read and rate all her articles.